Saturday, July 11, 2009

honest author bio

I came across this a long time ago and found it completely hilarious.

The bios of many authors seem to follow a certain pattern. They include quirky job histories that show what a unique character the author is (rag picker, hand model, mule trainer, UFC commentator). They include references to the author's long-suffering spouse, and usually numerous cats.

I, clairification, have a long-suffering spouse and currently two cats, and my job history does include some quirkiness (reservist in the Canadian Forces; tree-planter; night manager at a fast-food drive-thru; portrait photographer). However, none of this really, to my mind, encapsulates who I am as an author.

Herewith, the first instalment of the Honest Author Bio of yours truly:

clairification always wanted to be a boy, until she discovered that boys are expected to play T-ball.

Or:

clairification has failed her driving test four times. She still does not hold a license. When her husband wishes to leave the car parked illegally, clairification will not accept the keys, and until he returns, she will walk about nervously, pretending the car belongs to someone else.
A storm has beaten all the petals from the roses, and still wrings water from the clouds. I'm indoors, and I'm finally alone.

The list of things to accomplish this weekend is a grand one, but as usual, I'll be content so long as I have a few hours in my worlds. The rest is silence (and laundry, and avoiding the telephone).

Monday, July 6, 2009

In which I am a superhero named Galvan

...fighting the forces of parental oversight with my friends Mercuria, Skew, Quiksilver, Spectaculo, and Princess Kicking-Ass. Much wine was consumed, once the parental oversight was vanquished.

Yes, we're in our thirties and even forties, and we still can't get drunk in front of the fam.

In important writing news, however...

Accepted for publication:
"The Tongue of Bees"

On submission:
"Who in Mortal Chains"

To submit:
"The Duellist, After Her Prime"

First drafts complete but in need of more work:
"Bleaker Collegiate Presents an All Female Production of Waiting for Godot"
"A Sovereign Cure for Pneumonia"
"The Oracle of the Dashboard"

First drafts in progress:
"The King of Bramble Heights"
"Forty-Nine Days in the Intermediate States, with Extracts from the Great Liberation by Hearing"
"Seven Postcards from the Garden of Earthly Delights"
"Rush Lane"

Novel progress:
Not-a-Werewolf: still on Chapter 5
Dickensian Fantasy: Chapter 11 of Draft 4 (6 more chapters to go)

Vexed questions of the day:
Which thing to finish next? And will someone order my pizza for me?